Which Fictional Quarterback is the Most Elite?

A week removed from Super Bowl LI, and nothing really changed. The Patriots are still the best team in the NFL, Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever, Bill Belichick consumed the collective soul of the state of Georgia in the span of 20 minutes, Roger Goodell is still a petulant asshole, and Matt Ryan is still not elite. Had the Falcons won, we would’ve been talking about how Matt Ryan now in fact, is elite, but he and Kyle Shanahan shit their pants in front of 110 million people and here we are. All the pre Super Bowl talk of being an elite quarterback got me thinking about which fictional quarterback would be in the conversation, so let’s do a deep dive into that.

Obviously guys like Sunshine Ronnie Bass and Mitch Winchell are ineligible, but I don’t know if either of those guys would sniff this list. I considered things like physical talent, toughness, football IQ, leadership ability, and intangibles.

Shane “Footsteps” Falco

Falco was an elite talent at Ohio State, a first team All-American until the wheels fell off the bus in the ’96 Sugar Bowl. After flaming out in the league due to circumstances he couldn’t control (according to Coach Jimmy McGinty, he “should’ve been holding a clipboard that first year, not carrying the whole team”). Falco’s probably got the best arm talent of any guy on this list. There’s a scene at the start of the movie where he launches a gold football underwater with so much juice I’m positive it could’ve sank a Navy warship. During games Falco also has a penchant for throwing bombs, and avoiding his check down’s. But where Falco really shines is with his leadership and intangibles.

If you’ve seen the movie, both of these speeches probably resonate deeply within you. You may recite them to yourself every morning when you wake up, or in moments of peril. Look at the faces of the guys in the locker room and tell me each and every one of them wouldn’t take a bullet to the chest for Falco. If there is one thing that Falco has that some of these other guys don’t, it’s heart… miles and miles of heart. He does however, lose points for only playing in four games, and for losing his starting spot, albeit briefly, to big swinging dick Eddie Martel. But he does sneak the Sentinels into the back door of the playoffs, and looks like he could’ve been on his way to a career renaissance a la Kurt Warner. Winner’s want the ball in their hands when the game is on the line, and Falco always did. Final consensus: I don’t think you can call Falco elite because the body of work isn’t there, but it’s entirely possible he and Jimmy McGinty were about to embark on a Brady/Belichick type of run, fisting defenses and sucking souls from cities. Guess we’ll never know. Also, Falco banging the head cheerleader scores him major points.

Joe Kane

The preseason Heisman favorite of Sports Illustrated, Joe Kane was essentially Ryan Leaf before Ryan Leaf was. An absolute terror on the field, but more of a terror off the field. It’s no secret that Joe Kane was fond of sucking down a twelver and riding his motorcycle like he was fucking Evil Knievel. His Heisman hopes pretty much went up in smoke when he had to enter rehab mid season to avoid a DUI. Mel Kiper would probably say that he had several “character issues,” but he was a helluva player when he laced them up. Undoubtedly the toughest sonofabitch on this list, his physical toughness was unmatched, but he also had decent arm talent. He certainly was helped out by Darnell Jefferson(Omar Epps) who caught a lot of passes out of the back field, but it appeared his offensive line was ass and he was getting flushed out of the pocket a lot and was always cerebral enough to not take a sack. His teammates loved him, and his demeanor in the huddle is exactly what you want out of quarterback. Without the speech below, ESU doesn’t make a New Year’s Day Bowl, simple as that.

“What do you think, go for the 3?”

“Just give me the god damn ball.”

If that doesn’t give you chills, I don’t think you have a pulse. Something else to consider: Joe Kane was a redshirt Junior, he had another year! If he could stay away from grandpa’s cough syrup, there’s a good possibility he wins a Heisman, a National Championship, and is a first round draft pick. Final Consensus: Hard to be considered elite when you’d rather suck down Molson’s than read the playbook, but Kane had a legitimate shot to go on and become an elite quarterback.

“Steamin'” Willie Beamen

The only dual threat guy on here, Beamen is by far the best athlete. He kind of popped out of nowhere starting the season as the Miami Sharks third string quarterback behind incumbent Jack “Cap” Rooney who essentially was the reincarnation of Jake Delhomme the year he played in Cleveland, which is he to say he was trash. After getting the nod from the most overrated coach of all time, Tony D’Amato (we’ll get into that another time), Beamen saves what was inevitably turning into a dumpster fire type season. Electric on the field and in the studio, Beamen will always take heat for being a pretty shitty teammate, but a lot of that blame can be placed at the feet of D’Amato who intended on playing a quarterback with full blown CTE in the playoffs, and kind of shit on Beamen every chance he got, until he realized Beamen was the only one who could save his ass from getting whacked by Christina Pagniacci (a v v sexy Cameron Diaz). Through Beamen’s play, the Sharks make the playoffs, and everything is going well for the newly christened starting QB until he decides to take sole credit in an interview. He gets benched in favor of old man Dennis Quaid, and once again is inserted late to save Coach D’Amato’s ass. How many guys out there are doing shit like this:

How elite you perceive Beamen lies solely in how good of a football player he was, because he was a dogshit teammate throughout pretty much the entire movie. A half assed apology towards the end of the film seems to get everyone on his side, but that’s horseshit, the offense hated him and so did the defense. Final Consensus: Not elite. Although he was getting the chance to be the quarterback of the new expansion team in New Mexico, he was lugging D’Amato’s washed up ass with him. D’Amato would’ve been fired after probably one season, leaving someone else to deal with Beamen’s shit, which actually would’ve benefited him. Tony D’Amato wasted Willie Beamen’s potential.

Paul “Wrecking” Crewe

Talking about the remake here, played by elite athlete Adam Sandler. Former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, who happened to do a little point shaving that got him thrown out of the league. Interesting because that’s definitely not the worst thing a Steelers quarterback has done, but I digress. While being described as a natural athlete, Crewe’s defining trait has to be his toughness. Dude was getting the absolute shit beat out of him all the time by guys like Stone Cold, Kevin Nash, Bill Romo, and The Boz. Judging by some of the fat slobs that Crewe had on his offensive line, he would’ve taken some massive blindside hits as well. Suffice to say, a guy who survived an assassination attempt via bomb has no problem getting off the turf after getting destroyed. One thing that probably gets overlooked is that Crewe was the offensive coordinator too. He basically diagrammed the entire playbook, and was very adept at resorting to school yard bullshit if the situation demanded it. The clip below is what Paul Crewe is all about; toughness, grit, and athleticism personified:

Final consensus: Guy is elite. Sure he had more talent around him than a lot of these other quarterbacks, but he had to let Michael Irvin knock a couple of his teeth down his throat and treat him like a punk to get said talent. And who’s to say that he wasn’t a fucking stud in the NFL, Pete Rose was pretty good when they ran his ass out of baseball. Same thing applies here.

Jonathan “Mox” Moxon

Let’s end this before it starts. In no universe is Mox an elite quarterback. Not a chance in hell. He just wasn’t a football guy. I get why Bud Kilmer couldn’t stand his ass. You’re the backup quarterback and you’re on the bench reading Slaughterhouse-Five? He’s lucky Kilmer didn’t rip his throat out, and I’m actually kind of surprised he didn’t. Mox is smart, he’s got that going for him, and he probably could’ve ended up being the all-time passing leader at Brown, but very few people give a shit about Ivy League Football if your name isn’t Ryan Fitzmagic. It’s a good thing he didn’t want that life, because he didn’t have a shot in hell at obtaining it.

Johnny Utah

Not an elite quarterback, but definitely an elite F-B-EYE agent.

Played in the Rose Bowl, and has arguably the greatest play action fake in the history of football. He’s also about as fearless as they come. It takes a rare breed to jump out of an airplane without a parachute with nothing more than a “Fuck it.” Interesting that Keanu was always playing quarterbacks considering when he first showed up on set for The Replacements rumor has it he threw a football like Scottie Smalls throws a baseball in the beginning of Sandlot. We don’t know much about Utah’s playing career, but he definitely would’ve been able to command a locker room.

Josh Framm

Another guy who definitely isn’t elite. He was a decent athlete but was in for a rude awakening when he got to high school. Once coaches and players started using press coverage and jamming the shit out of Buddy, he was done for. When a dog is your best skill position player in every sport (pretty sure there were like 10 Air Bud movies) you’re fucked. (Can dogs get CTE? Because Buddy wore that shitty little leather helmet and was taking some high impact hits) Josh Framm may have been the straw that stirs the drink, but you take away Buddy and he’s trash.

Bo Callahan

Gets a bad rap, but he was going into a great situation. I don’t think talent was ever his issue, although a quarterback from Wisconsin winning the Heisman seems far fetched. Bo Callahan got shit on for being a horse’s ass. Sonny Weaver Jr., one of the greatest football minds of the last 100 years really took Callahan behind the woodshed and helped plummet his draft stock. Guy doesn’t read his playbook, none of his friends come to his birthday party, teammates think he’s an asswipe, the list goes on and on. But, he got drafted by Seattle which means he’s under the tutelage of Pete Carroll, and he has the Legion of Boom. In fact, I think I’d prefer to have Bo Callahan over Russell Wilson. Alas, if Sonny Weaver Jr. doesn’t think you’re elite, you’re not elite. Period.

Who did I miss?

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Hard Pass on the “White Men Can’t Jump” Remake

Blake Griffin and Ryan Kalil Among Producers

“Black-ish” creator Kenya Barris will develop a movie remake of the 1990s sports comedy “White Men Can’t Jump,” which will be produced by Los Angeles Clippers star Blake Griffin and Carolina Panthers All-Pro lineman Ryan Kalil”

What a terrible idea. I understand that’s kind of the way it works these days in Hollywood, you polish off a gem, and repackage it for modern audiences. The problem is, there’s no fucking chance this remake will hold a candle to the original “White Men Can’t Jump.” Not a chance in hell. Finding co stars who have the amount of chemistry Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson had isn’t going to be easy to replicate. If I’m Zac Efron or Michael B Jordan (two guys I’d imagine who are on the short list) I’d tell the casting agents to kick rocks. When this movie inevitably bombs, it’s going to torpedo the careers of the two actors portraying Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle straight into the shitter.

The only upside for a guy like Michael B. Jordan is that he has legitimate basketball chops. He would make the basketball scenes a hell of a lot more interesting. I still kind of cringe every time I see Wesley Snipes doing that little two handed dribble like some goof ball in a 4th grade gym class with his shorts tucked in up to his nipples. Producers claimed that by the end of the shoot, Harrelson and Snipes’ basketball skills equated to that of a low level D-III player, so getting a couple of new guys up to speed wouldn’t be that difficult.

They’ve also got “Super” Producer Blake Griffin on board to apparently make sure it’s more realistic? I don’t really understand why he’s getting in on this, actually. Being a producer is essentially just throwing money around and going in on the cost to make sure the movie has enough capital to get made. But, if I’m Doc Rivers, I want Blake Griffin laying in a hyperbolic chamber all offseason to prevent those fucking toffee bones of his from crumbling into dust. I’m assuming that Ryan Khalil was just bored and said what the fuck, or maybe he’s campaigning to replace Sidney and Billy’s handshake with a copious amount of dabs, that sound plausible as well.

I would ask all of these guys to watch the Point Break remake(complete fucking trash ICYMI) from start to finish and afterwards decide if they still want to remake this movie. If any of them can get through that without wanting to jump off one of those mountains without a parachute, then by all means, make White Men Can’t Jump Redux.

“Billy, you can put a cat in the oven, but that don’t make it a biscuit.” Same rule applies to this remake. You can remake this movie a million times, but that doesn’t mean that anything but a steaming pile of horseshit is going to come out of the other end.

Hopefully the Packers don’t shit the bed

Tomorrow is a big day. Yuuuge day. The Packers feel like they’ve got enough momentum to carry them to the Super Bowl. I’ll be the first one to shove my foot down my throat for what I wrote after the Tennessee game, and I hope I do. But nothing has really changed with the exception of Rodgers tea bagging six different teams. The secondary is still probably the worst in the NFL,  with no depth and has about five guys who are either in the concussion protocol or have been stretchered off the field within the last couple weeks. Micah Hyde has been playing really well but he’s gotten bombed more times than I can remember, and every team from here on out is going to be fucking slinging it, a lot.

The Giants secondary is legit, but I don’t buy the 2007/2011 bullshit. It’s going to be fucking freezing, they’re run game is pretty weak, and Eli will inevitably shit in his girdle a couple of times. The problem is that Beckham could have 3 catches for 180 yards and three TD’s and that might be all they need to win. But overall, the Giants offense is kind of trash. I don’t necessarily expect it to be shootout, but Big Blue hasn’t fucking put up 30 in a game this year, which is pretty pathetic.

I think Ben McAdoofus is a much better coach than Mike McCarthy, which worries me a little bit, but ultimately it’s going to come down to Rodgers. If he comes out hot slinging lasers inside of shoe boxes, it’s over. If the Packers can score on their first couple drives(choke in the redzone and kick field goals), and shutdown Beckham long enough for him to start pouting, it’s done. Hopefully he’s still got some bong residue or whatever else Trey Songz and The Beibs provided floating around in his brain that makes him lose a bit of an edge. The Packers need Geronimo Allison to have another big game, so hopefully he’s abstaining from that wet wet right now. If he plays well and frees up Jordo and Davantae Adams(O/U 2.5 TD’s dropped?) the offense is going to score some tuddy snacks.

Seems like a more analysts are picking the Packers, I’ll have to wait and see who Trent Dilfer takes tomorrow, but I’m thinking he’s going to be liking AARONRODGERSSURGICALPRECISIONUPTHEBOUNDARY. Maybe tomorrow will also be the day he passes out on live TV from never taking a breath when he speaks. We’ll see. The Packers are going to the Super Bowl (even with that hogshit secondary) if they win tomorrow. If they lose, I’m going to feel like a real asshole.

 

What I learned from Championship Weekend

Nothing on the football field these last two days mattered in comparison to the absurdity of Dr. Pepper’s halftime tuition giveaway. This 100K game has morphed into two weasels chest passing and under handing footballs into an enormous hole in a bottle from five yards away. I thought at one point you had to actually throw the fucking pigskin the way it was intended. If Dr. Pepper is handing out that kind of loot every time, why don’t you make them earn the coin? Move them back 15 yards and make them sling a dart in there. It would be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the bullshit they’re trotting out there right now. Unless Kevin Love shows up, n0 one is draining that chest pass from deep more than once, and they need to weed out as many of the suckers that try as possible.

If I’m building  a football team, I’m not getting some punk who is under handing and chest passing a football. Can’t win wit em’. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. I would, however, build around someone like Ivon Rodriguez-Padilla, who a couple years ago was out there throwing fucking bee bee’s like Big Ben. Arm Talent? Check. Quick Release? Check. Pocket Awareness? Check.

The Big Wigs at Dr. Pepper need to get this shit straightened out ASAP. I don’t know if this is some sort of long con by Big Soda or what, but it needs to be looked at and fixed, or some of their most loyal customers will be looking for cold beverages elsewhere.

Alabama is also really fucking good, and is probably going to beat whoever they play these next two games by at least three touchdowns. We’ll see. Hopefully someone asks Saban if it’s okay to lose a game again.

 

The 2017 Oscar Winner for Best Picture Comes Out Tomorrow

Manchester by the Sea won’t be released around here until Christmas, but it is getting its release in New York and Chicago tomorrow. It doesn’t really matter what other prestige pictures come out between now and the Oscars, because it’s a wrap.

Pros:

  • Casey Affleck polishing off his Good Will Hunting/Gone Baby Gone Boston accent.
  • Emotionally charged bar fight scene
  • Pasts riddled with heartbreak and regret
  • Coach Taylor getting a nice little cameo (Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose)
  • Casey Affleck winning a Best Actor Oscar
  • BIG hit at Sundance

Cons:

  • No aerial shots of Fenway Park
  • The Academy sucks

Haven’t seen it yet, obviously, but I have peeped the trailer about 100 times already. Expect this thing to be an emotional roller coaster. I for one, cannot wait to have my heart ripped out of my chest and repeatedly stomped on for two hours. Matt Damon claims that he couldn’t read through the script without crying. Jason Fucking Bourne was weeping trying to read this stuff, don’t know how I’m gonna get through it.

With this, Live By Night, and Patriots’ Day, it looks like the box office is getting the Boston flick comeback that it has sorely needed, and I couldn’t be more excited.

“It’s not a shaaaaaaaaaaaaark, it’s not a shaaaaaaaaaaaaark!”

How bout them Hawkeyes?!

What a night. What a win. On one hand, I’m pretty jacked up Iowa didn’t get embarrassed at home like I thought they would (in my pick em’, I took Michigan -21.5). On the other hand, it kind of sucks because this is the type of win that will probably add another 10 years or so of goodwill for Ferentz, on top of the never ending extension he signed after the Hawks beat the absolute piss out of Iowa State earlier this year.

Overall, Iowa still looked pretty shitty. The defense played well, but they’re so damn inconsistent it’s unbelievable. Last week Penn State shit down their gullets, nothing suggested they would be able to stop Michigan. It seems like half of the guys on the defense are better suited to be battling for playing time in the Iowa Conference, not starting in the Big Ten. The offense is piss poor, and that actually might be giving them too much credit. Without Akrum Wadley, Iowa doesn’t have more than 50 total yards. He’s as explosive of a back Iowa has ever had, but he hasn’t been consistent because there are five other fucking running backs who get touches weekly it seems. CJ Beathard must be trying to channel some inner Fitzmagic with that ridiculous mustache/beard combo. It’s spilling into his play too. Last night he was 8/19 for 66 yards with a tuddy snack and an interception. His total QBR was 6.7… 6.7. Trent Dilfer would cum in his slacks if he saw that stat line, because typically, “you can’t lose games in the NCAA and still win them.” It’s not all his fault, pretty tough to be a FUCKING SURGEON out there when you’re throwing to a bunch of 5’8” 160 lbs. white guys who can’t create any seperation. Special Teams played exceptional last night, but you have to if you’re going to punt damn near every time you get the ball.

I don’t think this really changes the landscape of the College Football Playoff either. The winner of the Ohio State/Michigan game will go to the B1G Title game and beat the shit out whoever wins the West. If anything this will chap Harbaugh’s ass big time and he’ll have them running up scores for the rest of the season. (Sidebar: Did anyone see how many times Harbaugh spit chaw all over himself last night? Fucking chaw juices all over his face and half-zip) The Hawks definitely got a marquee win last night, one that they really needed. But it doesn’t really matter for them either. They’ll play in the Music City Bowl or some bullshit equivalent to it. But for at least one week, they’ll be part of the conversation. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they got beat in Champagne next week, because that’s what Iowa does. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy this win, and look at booking my ticket to San Diego for the San Diego Credit Union bowl.

What the hell is wrong with the Packers?

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

I don’t usually buy into the midseason panic that typically sets in around this time of year. The Packers will probably make the playoffs, they might even still win the division. But Judas Priest, do they look like shit right now. The secondary is atrocious, although there is loads of “young talent” back there. Clay Matthews is a $13 million black hole, who has filmed about 4 times as many commercials as he has taken snaps this year.* The offensive line, although praised by virtually everyone, can’t protect the Quarterback when they need to most. The receivers can’t get open, and it seems the only routes they do run are 2 yard flats, where they usually get absolutely fucking truck-sticked within seconds of catching the pass. Aaron Ripkowski being the best running back on the team is pitiful, nothing like having a bootleg version of Don Billingsley as your starting Running Back.

*”Hi, I’m Clay Matthews, and I’m a huge pussy”

While most of the roster seems to be in shambles or injured, at least you can rely on A Rodg to still deliver a handful of Dilfer’s Dimes every Sunday. Except by and large, Rodgers has looked like shit so far this year. That first half showing against the Colts was some of the most embarrassing football I’ve seen the Packers play in the Rodgers era. Postgame, everyone seemed to equate the loss to a “lack of juice.” My question: What the fuck did Mike McCarthy have them doing all week? How the hell are you not ready for a home game at Lambeau? McCarthy seems to get more complacent each year, is this bum really the best they can do? You can go ahead and throw Dom Capers and Ron Zook in there too, get those guys the fuck out of Green Bay.

I hate to hate on Rodgers, because without him the Packers would probably be one of the three worst teams in the NFL, but he needs to come back down to earth a bit. He’s gotten way too Hollywood the last couple of years, I wouldn’t be surprised if Olivia Munn gets him a gig in the next Expendables flick. Commercials, red carpets, talk shows, he does it all. Say what you want about Brett Favre, but you knew he was gonna bring ridiculous amounts of juice every Sunday, and then fire off a couple causal dick picks after the game for good measure. My kind of Quarterback.

This is all probably a little premature, but it’s still unsettling. I also don’t enjoy ripping my hair out every Sunday watching the Pack pussy foot around with a team they should beat by at least 3 scores. The last time the Packers were this banged up, they ended up winning the Super Bowl, but there are like maybe 5 teams I’m confident the Packers can beat, the rest, who knows. If shit doesn’t start to turn around soon, it might be time for me to call an Owner’s meeting and demand some people get whacked.